Dear Diary

I’m starting to get scared. 

We’ve only been on very short reconnaissance trips since our fight. The Americans seem to be moving closer. 

We haven’t met any troops on our trips but we’ve seen several signs that someone has been in areas close to our camp. Everyone is visibly nervous – myself included. I think that we all fear a surprise attack in the middle of the night. 

episode 10 of The Danes Diary
Getting scared – the war is closing in on him

I’m tired of being scared. I think that I have been tormented by fear ever since I left Denmark, but it hasn’t been as tangible a fear as lately. There might have been too much excitement mixed in with the fear, making it easier to ignore.

Now that I’ve seen what the American soldiers can and will do to a village, and after having lived through the chaos of battle myself, I fear for the future as I think all Vietnamese do.

I don’t think that we’re prepared for an attack. I think that we will be run over by the enemy and that our corpses will be piled up in the middle of camp and set on fire. I don’t know why we’re still here. Why don’t we fall further back and continue the small scale attacks? I’ve tried asking but I can’t get a straight answer.

It is almost as if the “colonel” is determined not to back down without a fight, as if that would mean that we are running away. But I’m not sure that’s how it is. It seems foolish to think that there is anything that we could do, if our camp was found. Even if we could defend it against the foot soldiers, we would just be bombed all the way to hell.

The Dane about honour in his diary
Talking about honour

I can’t convince anyone about my thoughts on this matter. Everyone else seems to be running around camp with this weird notion of honour. “We will lose our honour”. “There is no honour in withdrawing without a fight”. That’s the kind of thing they all say. I don’t fucking believe it. There is only one good kind of soldier and that is a living one, but these guys would rather die than kill more enemy soldiers another day. 

It is my own choice to be here, so I guess that I’ll have to learn to live with it – even if that means that I don’t get any sleep at night because I’m sure that the attack is coming soon – and then we’re all going to die.

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