Dear diary

It’s been 2 days since the great battle – or at least the biggest one I’ve been in. I feel like I’m getting over most of the weariness. Then there are things that I think I’ll never get completely over. I will carry the smell and sound of war with me forever. 

Our guns roar but there is no noise when a bullet penetrates a body. I haven’t been hit myself but it doesn’t look like i t hurts. When I’ve watched someone die they have most of all looked surprised. Like as if this was not supposed to happen to them. 

Maybe I will feel the same way. I mean, I am aware that I too can get shot, wounded and die, but somehow I manage to push those thoughts away. Everyone does that here. We probably have to do that just to be able to be here and not run away screaming. 

It looks like something has been squeezed between these pages in The Danes diary
It looks like something has been squeezed between these pages

War really is horrible. I’m sure that nobody here deserves to die. They are all just good people who want to mind their own business and take care of each other. They probably think the same thing on the other side. I wonder what the old guys sending us all to this war think about that, about us and about each other. Would they be ready to kill one another if they met face to face?

I still see the bonfire of corpses. The dead bodies and the exploding eye haunt me in my dreams. I also see other atrocities. Friends dying around me, enemies getting shot, burned and maimed – but mostly I see the bonfire.

It’s probably true that the first thing to die in a war is the truth – (or is it called the first victim of war?).

Whoever thought of it probably meant it in terms of the press, the propaganda and the history but it doesn’t stop there. It doesn’t start there either. 

In order to go to war at all we have to lie to ourselves. That is the truth’s first defeat. 

The truth is the first victim of war
The truth is the first victim of war

I’m here because I believe in something greater than myself. I have travelled far and fought in real battles for something I believe in and to help others with the same beliefs. 

The only problem is that it’s a lie. At least it is if you also believe that the greatest thing about and in life is life itself. Every human being makes up a part of what humanity is and at the end of the line that means no humans equals no humanity and therefore no beliefs in anything anymore. 

So when I’m out here killing for my beliefs I have already lied to myself. I have lied when I say that I’m ready to die for a cause because it doesn’t make sense to die for a cause – or to kill for it. 

If this all ends in a nuclear war and man ends up destroying the whole world it probably wasn’t worth it and we will all have lost. The same goes for the war that we all fight within ourselves but the truth is already lost to most. 

We’ve heard rumors that the Chinese soldiers are forced into the army and I guess you could say the same for the Americans who are drafted. But they will learn to lie to themselves. Either that or they go insane. 

Everybody lies to everyone about everything in a war. That’s why I’m not sure that anyone out there will ever get to know that they are killing women, children and old people and burning them in heaps in the Vietnamese jungle.

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